I am 1 in 3. 1 out of every 3 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. We lost a pregnancy in between the birth of Owen and Hunter. My pregnancy with Owen was so perfect and easy. He was healthy. I was healthy. I never had morning sickness or swelling. I was very fortunate! He was born in October and after we got over the newborn-shock/haze phase we decided we could not wait to give him a little brother or sister! We started trying as soon as my OB told us we could and left it up to God to bless us with another baby when he knew the time was right.
It was weird but I knew I was pregnant! I took the first test and saw a faint blue line. I waited and took a digital the next morning and sure enough, PREGNANT! We were overjoyed! We told our family and close friends (because we suck at secrets and patience and not sharing practically every bit of our lives with them!) and made our 8 week doctor appointment. At our 8 week appointment, she found the sac but no heartbeat. She was so re-assuring that it was a very real possibility that our timing was off and we were too early to see a developed heartbeat on the ultrasound. I love my OBGYN. She is a wonderful doctor and a wonderful person! She sent us down the hall for lab work and said we should come back in a week and we would know something more definitive at that point.
The next day on my way home from work, one of the nurses called me to tell me they did not like the numbers from my lab work. Everything seemed low. She called in a progesterone supplement prescription for me. She had the unpleasant job of explaining to me that if the pregnancy was viable, this would help it “stick” but that if it was not a viable pregnancy this would not save it. I remember rushing to pick up Cory and make it to the compounding pharmacy before they closed. Everything was such a blur. It felt like living in a dream.
After a week of supplements and agonizing waiting, we went back to the doctor only to have her tell us that we had miscarried, around the 8-9 week mark. Our baby never developed a heartbeat. Heartbreaking and devastated would be a severe understatement. I held it together all the way to the parking lot.
With the blessing of my doctor, I decided to miscarry naturally. It didn’t happen until about 3 weeks after we received our heartbreaking news. The physical and emotional pain was almost unbearable. It’s a pain that still re-surfaces all the time. It’s a pain that no one really talks about. I took one day off from work. One. Day. One day to deal with the gravity of our heartbreak and then it was back to business as usual. But it wasn’t really business as usual- not on the inside. What got me through it all though were Cory and Owen and the promise that God had a plan for our lives- for our little baby’s life.
A month later (just one!) we ended up pregnant again! It was exciting and terrifying. With our first two pregnancies the only outcome I could imagine was joy! But with this pregnancy I knew that the possibility of it ending in despair existed too. So I spent a lot of the pregnancy anxious and worried but also thankful! And our rainbow baby, Hunter Hart, was born on July 25, 2014.
It’s weird for me to write about. It’s sad and it hurts but it’s real and it’s a part of me and my family. I still don’t know what to do or say to someone who is facing the possibility of a miscarriage. There aren’t a lot of words that bring peace when you’re in the depth of those feelings. I tend to turn inwards. I hate anyone seeing me vulnerable but I’ve realized that letting go of what anyone else thinks and just feeling it is the only way to begin healing. There are times when I can think of it and not cry and there are times when it brings the tears from the depth of my soul. And both of those are okay.
Owen turned four on October 5! I know every parent says this but I cannot believe it! So of course you reminisce by looking at baby photos that seem like they were taken yesterday and sob on the inside! Y’know what though?! I LOVE the little boy he is becoming! He is so loving and caring! He is so funny! He makes silly jokes and his laugh melts my heart! He has the funniest little phrases! He loves to call his Dad on the phone and wrestle him for “the championship” or Facetime with Grammy and Paw-Paw (he always wants to talk about the big boy train, which is an electric train set my dad has from when he was a kid!) He loves playing outside and “fixing” trucks and riding in his barrel train with Grampa and painting and baking with Gramma! Right now he loves the “Five Little Pumpkins” song Gramma taught him! He is really curious about tornados and clock towers! He is still a cautious little boy but there’s a daredevil in him too! He likes to be helpful- it’s very sweet!
We celebrated his birthday with our Lifegroup on Wednesday and we had cake and sang and he got to blow out his candle! He got to play with his best friends that night so he was very pleased! The following night we went to Grimaldi’s which is his favorite restaurant! He ate pizza with Grammy and Paw-Paw and then got to play in the splash pad! On Saturday we went to the zoo! The weather was so nice and the boys had so much fun! We got to see the gorillas for the first time and Owen got to touch a snake! We rode the carousel and the train before we left! Owen still loves the train and its whistle! And on Monday we ate lunch and played at Chick-fil-A with Auntie Mal before she headed back to Seattle. We also got to play at Pump It Up which was Owen’s request. They played and ran and bounced! Owen liked the obstacle course bounce house the best! Owen also had his four year check up on Monday. He got four shots but was so, so brave! He weighs 35 lb 8 oz (47%) and is 3’ 4.63” tall (58%). We stretched his birthday into an almost week long celebration! All of us had a great time! Thank you to all our friends and family who made it so exciting for him!
Owen Johnny– You are such a special boy! You make your mom and dad so proud! Every time I look at you I cannot believe that God gave us such a perfect gift! I think you are so smart and so handsome and you make me laugh! I want you to always remain as caring and compassionate as you are now! You are a wonderful big brother and Hunter is so lucky that he has you to protect him, and play with, and laugh with! I LOVE YOU THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS MUCH!!
This past weekend was one I had been looking forward to while simultaneously dreading for months! I was dreading it because it would be the first weekend we would spend away from the boys, but it would be a weekend Cory and I would spend together and attend the wedding of one of my oldest, greatest friends! I was definitely looking forward to alone time with Cory and seeing my friend on such a joyful and beautiful day!
We spent the weekend in Austin and nearly everything about it was wonderful! The weather was gorgeous! We got to try new restaurants and take naps! These kind of things are a big deal for parents with little ones! Owen and Hunter can be incredibly well behaved at restaurants but there’s something so relaxing and refreshing about eating a meal at a leisurely pace and enjoying a second drink!
And then there was Jen and Joe’s spectacular wedding! I’ve known Jen since I was in 6th grade and she was in 7th. We were pretty much inseparable in high school and got into a lot of innocent but hilarious trouble. She is one of the funniest, fieriest people I know! She was always my big sister! We hadn’t seen each other in a while and one of the most emotional ways to re-unite with someone is when they are also emotional and looking absolutely stunning in a wedding dress, about to marry the love of their life! There were a lot of happy tears and it was just such a perfect night! We wish them nothing but love and happiness and laughter (lots of laughter!) and cannot wait to see what the future holds for them!
The happiest part of my weekend, however, was coming home to my boys! They were in great hands with my in-laws (who are so spectacular for keeping them on a weekend!) When people say it takes a village, they are NOT kidding and I don’t know what I would do or how incredibly hard it would be if I didn’t have Cory’s parents and my parents, and awesome co-workers who are also awesome friends! Hunter was napping on Gramma when we got there and Owen was playing in his room and man-that boy gave me the biggest hug! They did great and had a blast but I was so happy to get my boys home! Hunter was super affectionate the rest of the day as well! I got several hugs from him and a kiss!
I loved my time with Cory and I loved re-uniting with some wonderful, sweet friends, but oh how things change as the years go by! I am so grateful for the time we had but my heart is whole when I’m with my boys!