1 in 3

I am 1 in 3. 1 out of every 3 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. We lost a pregnancy in between the birth of Owen and Hunter. My pregnancy with Owen was so perfect and easy. He was healthy. I was healthy. I never had morning sickness or swelling. I was very fortunate! He was born in October and after we got over the newborn-shock/haze phase we decided we could not wait to give him a little brother or sister! We started trying as soon as my OB told us we could and left it up to God to bless us with another baby when he knew the time was right.

It was weird but I knew I was pregnant! I took the first test and saw a faint blue line. I waited and took a digital the next morning and sure enough, PREGNANT! We were overjoyed! We told our family and close friends (because we suck at secrets and patience and not sharing practically every bit of our lives with them!) and made our 8 week doctor appointment. At our 8 week appointment, she found the sac but no heartbeat. She was so re-assuring that it was a very real possibility that our timing was off and we were too early to see a developed heartbeat on the ultrasound. I love my OBGYN. She is a wonderful doctor and a wonderful person! She sent us down the hall for lab work and said we should come back in a week and we would know something more definitive at that point.

The next day on my way home from work, one of the nurses called me to tell me they did not like the numbers from my lab work. Everything seemed low. She called in a progesterone supplement prescription for me. She had the unpleasant job of explaining to me that if the pregnancy was viable, this would help it “stick” but that if it was not a viable pregnancy this would not save it. I remember rushing to pick up Cory and make it to the compounding pharmacy before they closed. Everything was such a blur. It felt like living in a dream.

After a week of supplements and agonizing waiting, we went back to the doctor only to have her tell us that we had miscarried, around the 8-9 week mark. Our baby never developed a heartbeat. Heartbreaking and devastated would be a severe understatement. I held it together all the way to the parking lot.

With the blessing of my doctor, I decided to miscarry naturally. It didn’t happen until about 3 weeks after we received our heartbreaking news. The physical and emotional pain was almost unbearable. It’s a pain that still re-surfaces all the time. It’s a pain that no one really talks about. I took one day off from work. One. Day. One day to deal with the gravity of our heartbreak and then it was back to business as usual. But it wasn’t really business as usual- not on the inside. What got me through it all though were Cory and Owen and the promise that God had a plan for our lives- for our little baby’s life.

A month later (just one!) we ended up pregnant again! It was exciting and terrifying. With our first two pregnancies the only outcome I could imagine was joy! But with this pregnancy I knew that the possibility of it ending in despair existed too. So I spent a lot of the pregnancy anxious and worried but also thankful! And our rainbow baby, Hunter Hart, was born on July 25, 2014.

It’s weird for me to write about. It’s sad and it hurts but it’s real and it’s a part of me and my family. I still don’t know what to do or say to someone who is facing the possibility of a miscarriage. There aren’t a lot of words that bring peace when you’re in the depth of those feelings. I tend to turn inwards. I hate anyone seeing me vulnerable but I’ve realized that letting go of what anyone else thinks and just feeling it is the only way to begin healing. There are times when I can think of it and not cry and there are times when it brings the tears from the depth of my soul. And both of those are okay.

I love Weight Watchers!

So I will forever and always sing the praises of Weight Watchers! At my heaviest I was 187 lbs! I can hardly believe that but it was true and I remember how incredibly miserable I was! Cory was working two weeks on/two weeks off on a rig in New Mexico and I would sit at home and miss him and eat like crap! I had no motivation to cook food for just myself. And then when he was home- we would celebrate with drinks and eating at all of our favorite restaurants. It was a vicious cycle for me but luckily it was one that I broke!

I joined Weight Watchers in December 2010 and while it took me about a year, I lost 50 lbs! I was smaller (and a lot healthier) than I was in high school! The weight loss was great but the most valuable thing I learned was how to eat properly. I still enjoyed beer and wine and sushi and on the rare occasion Whataburger chicken strips! Weight Watchers helped teach me how to budget my food and encouraged me to get my butt in the gym. Once I started running the lbs really started melting off! I was never a runner- in fact, I always HATED running. But one of the things I am most proud of was my progression from doing something I was bad at and hated to do to something that became easy and actually fun! When I was most committed, I was running almost 3 miles/day about 4-5 days a week!

They don’t let you stay on Weight Watchers while you are pregnant. So I had to “quit” when I found out I was pregnant with Owen. That was totally fine though because I took the things I learned and continued with them. I don’t want to sound cheesy but it honestly is about your lifestyle. If you decide to make it a permanent change and you get in the habit of doing it consistently, it just becomes what you do!

Luckily I had two very healthy, wonderful pregnancies! And life with a now (almost!) 4 year old and 2 year old is fast paced! I had given up being as picky about what I ate and gave in to convenience. It takes some time and devotion to really commit to eating well! It takes meal planning, and weekly grocery store trips, and researching new and healthy recipes and snack ideas to keep it from getting boring or feeling bland. And I’m still trying to figure out how to carve out some time in my day to take for myself and figure out a new work-out routine.

And I’m totally happy to say that I’ve recommitted! I joined Weight Watchers for the second time two weeks ago and I’m ecstatic to say I’ve already lost 5.5 lbs! Now I’m not starting anywhere near as heavy as I was my first time around but I’ve set my goal weight loss at 20 lbs. I’m so excited because I know I can succeed! I’ve done this before and I know how awesome I feel when I’m eating well and exercising, and now I have the added motivation of teaching two little sponges what a healthy family looks like!

Before

This was the best picture I could find from when I was heaviest. I hated taking pictures and definetly never full body photos!

5k

After we finished our first (and only!) 5k!

healthy preg

Maintaining a healthy weight after WW during my first pregnancy with Owen John!