Growing Up

This Labor Day weekend was great! I love getting to spend extra time with family and friends! The boys are growing up so fast that it makes me really appreciate the time I get to spend watching them interact and learn new things!

Owen is so big and opinionated! But he is cautious and compassionate too! He looks like a little boy! He loves going to Sunday school and playing with his Lifegroup friends! He still loves trains and super heroes! He thinks his Dad is hilarious! He is so helpful in the kitchen- his favorite thing to make is brownies but he helps with pancakes, scrambled eggs, pizza, and cookies too. He loves the water and puts his whole body under to swim. He’s also a fan of the beach since our trip last month. His favorite chore is feeding the dogs and gets upset if you do it without him. He’s been to three movies with his Gramma and Grampa (his favorite was The Secret Life of Pets) and likes to feed chickens with his Grammy. He also likes to talk locomotives with his Paw-Paw. And he can spell his name! He wanted to marry me but he’s been talking about someone named Sheena recently… apparently he wants to marry her now but she lives in Dallas. He told us that she burns pancakes but she makes him green beans! We were cracking up! (And for the record, little man- Mom doesn’t burn pancakes and I’ve yet to get you to eat a green bean!)

Hunter is growing up just as fast! He is also opinionated but a little less gentle when it comes to his big brother. I guess being the youngest gives you an extra bit of fight! He likes dinosaurs and super heroes too! He’ll grab Superman or Batman and pretend they’re flying while he spins in circles! He also is still really into Monster Trucks. He’s still a pretty big momma’s boy. He loves cuddles in the mornings and loves to twirl my hair. He’s still nursing but I think weaning is on the horizon. He laughs SO MUCH! He thinks his brother is so funny! He loves to color and play with sidewalk chalk! And when he really wants something he’ll say “Pwease, pwease!” and there’s no resisting! But my favorite thing to hear him say is “Momma!” He’s very chatty and I can’t wait until I’m able to understand everything he says! He’s a great eater- but he prefers fruit or macaroni and cheese over most meats. And he likes trying to escape bath-time after his clothes and diaper is off!

I think they both have an amazing sense of humor! They’re such happy boys! Hunter wants to do everything his big brother does! And Owen is so protective of his little brother! Makes my momma heart very, very proud! God sure knew what he was doing when he gave me these two!

We went fishing on our church campus with Gramma and Grampa on Labor Day. Hunter “caught” his first fish- a tiny perch that he was a  little hesitant to touch. With Grampa and Dad’s help, Owen caught a few too! I’m so grateful that my boys are so close to their grandparents! They get to experience so many new and cool things with them! We know we’ve been blessed and we are reminded each and every day!

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The birth of instant anxiety…

I’ve always been a little bit of a worrier. I realized I wasn’t invincible before most kids my age, but it was after the birth of Owen that things really started to kick into high gear.

A new mom has a million things to worry over and stress about. I remember with Owen it was the constant worry of him getting enough milk. It was so important for me to breast feed but I never fully trusted my own body to provide for him. I remember so many of my new mom worries:

Is he getting enough to eat?

Is it dangerous to co-sleep?

Crib bumpers or not? (Who knew I wouldn’t need to worry about this because both of my babies hated the crib!)

Will he know I still love him when I return to work? (This one was/IS my biggest!)

I never realized how quickly the onset of a million different worries would fill my head. My pregnancy had been so easy and exciting that I never thought that his arrival or caring for a newborn would be anything other than dreamy. I wasn’t naïve- it was just something that I wanted for so long that I imagined every thought would be happiness and joy (even if exhausted), not necessarily doubts and fears.

Then I kind of hit my groove as a mom. It took a while but I felt confident in my decisions and cared less about what books or random people on Babycenter forums said.

Then when Hunter was born I was like “I’ve got this!” And I did! He nursed like a champ (and we’re still going!), we co-slept (in a very safe way) from day one so we never felt like sleep deprived zombies, and I was still able to care for Owen, who was 22 months. I do remember crying when he came home from the hospital though. We pushed to leave a day early so we could get home to Owen and as soon as we got there with a new baby and all our friends and family left, I felt overwhelmed. But it passed and we decided it would just take a little time figuring out our new normal.

Now Owen is almost 4 and Hunter will be 2 in two weeks (WHAAATT!) but a whole new set of fears have taken hold. When they were babies it was mainly “Oh my gosh- how will this baby survive? I don’t know what I’m doing!” Now it’s things like:

What if they get sick, like really sick?

What if I get sick, or Cory gets sick? Or what if something happens to us? Or what if something happens to them? (That one sends me over the edge yall!!)

Is it even safe to go out? To school? To church? To walk down the street? Should I tell them about violence? Should I shelter them as long as I can?

Am I selfish if I do anything I remotely enjoy?

Am I setting a good example? Of humble obedience to God? Of being compassionate? Of helping others? Of teaching them independence from me? (Another HUGEEE one I struggle with. Why would I ever want to encourage them not to need me? Insert mommy heart sad face here.)

I could write pages and pages about my fears- rational or otherwise- that now arise almost every day since having those two precious baby boys. Some days I wake up and I can stuff them down deep inside. This works for a couple weeks until I have to let it all out some way- crying, lashing out, shutting down. Some days I wake up and I don’t even know why I had those worries or fears and everything seems good! But then something can creep up- some thought that can literally make it hard to take the next breath. That feeling of dread that rattles your bones- that literally paralyzes you. Sometimes I can convince myself that these are normal mommy fears. And sometimes I’m willing to admit I have full blown anxiety. And some days I’m good at coping and some days I’m not. But everyday I’m working on realizing that I need to “Let Go and Let God”. I like to continuously tell myself whatever is meant to happen in my life is going to happen. He has already planned it for me…and planned it with a purpose. So I can spend my days worrying about what tomorrow brings OR I can spend them being so incredibly thankful and joyful for the moment I’m in right now!

It’s hard- I’m working on it….

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