Letting Go

So I’ve learned so far in my parenting journey that giving birth to them is pretty much the easiest part. Each new phase brings an infinite amount of joy and an equal amount of nostalgia and pain and doubt. There is nothing that makes you more proud than watching your child learn or do new things. But that doesn’t mean that when they achieve new things, you won’t miss the previous stage!

We are officially out of the baby stage with the boys. Hunter is 3 months past his second birthday and Owen will be THE BIG FOUR next week which is really weird because I literally had both of them yesterday! They are both still my babies but gain more of their independence every day! And I always knew I would have a hard time watching them become big boys but I’m learning that letting go can come with great rewards!

Cory has wanted to take Owen to his first wrestling show for a while now. I hesitated. I would say he’s too young or it would be too loud, or he would probably only be interested in the first 30 minutes and up until a couple weeks ago I knew those things were all probably very true! Then last weekend, there was a little local show in Katy and Cory was convinced it was the perfect time to take Owen. As much as I wanted to say “maybe just wait for the next one”, I could tell Owen was getting excited! And off they went! Two dudes on their first dude’s night out! I’ll admit I was a little apprehensive and sad to watch them go! But it gave me some alone time with Hunter and for that I was thankful! And he’s quite the dancer now! He’s equal parts adorable and hilarious!

Fast forward several hours later and it’s really late (late for me because I’m old and like to go to bed early) and the dudes get home! I expected Cory to carry a sleeping Owen in but Owen was still awake and so pumped up! He was telling me all about it. Showing me the cool stuff he got- like his new favorite prized possession: a gigantic gold chain, haha! I was so excited to see him so excited! It was precious- his dad is now not only his hero but his BFF too! Seeing him so happy made me realize that letting go is inevitable and that in the process, my kiddos are going to experience so many new adventures. And I can’t wait to share in all the excitement!

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Our first date night

Since Owen wants to marry me we had our first date night on Wednesday! I treasure the one on one time we get these days! He is almost four and such a funny little gentleman! He is so silly and sweet and the afternoon was full of “I lub you Mom!” We ate dinner at Chick-fil-a (his choice!) and then he got to play on the playground for an hour or so. To be honest, I’m pretty sure that’s what he enjoyed most! After playing for a while, he got ice cream (I love how kids can trade their kids meal toy for ice cream) and by that time he was ready to head home and see Dad and Hunter. And for the record, his favorite color is orange and his favorite animal is a monkey! I love conversations with him! He also made a point to tell me he farted- which in our house is always hilarious so I can definitely appreciate this, date night or not.

Sometimes I forget that he’s not even four yet. He has two new phrases that totally crack me up-

  1. Are you kidding me right now?
  2. I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you. Can you say that again?

Totally random- I know. But the way he says them are so cute! I think I like the second phrase so much because he says it so politely and he sounds so mature!

I’m so excited to make “baby date nights” a tradition in our family! It’s so important for the boys to be able to spend time separately with Cory and me. And I think it’s going to be fun for Cory and me too! What do you and your kiddos do on “date nights”?

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Bald babies

Hunter was born with the most old man hairstyle! For starters, he was completely bald on top with some long hair around the back and sides. And it was dark brown! We were shocked by the color! Cory and I were both blonde babies and Owen’s hair was practically white! Oh my gosh- he was so cute! He would kind of whimper as a newborn and he was (and still is- thank goodness!) such a snuggler! Moving along, before I catch baby fever…Oops! Too late!

Over the next few months that long brown hair fell out leaving him totally and completely bald. And I am so in love with bald babies! He was bald for such a long time! But it kept him looking like my little baby! Even at a year old- he was still bald. I loved it!

This weekend we checked off another milestone though. He was rocking the best looking mullet around, but I figured it was time for the first hair cut. I knew he would not be enthused so I asked an old girlfriend to cut it. She has an adorable home studio and has been cutting hair for over 10 years. She is a baby hair-cutting whiz! He fought it at first but eventually calmed down. She had him done and looking sharp in less than 10 minutes!

So he went from being a baby to a little man. And in exactly a week from today he will be TWO. I love watching his little personality develop…he’s a joker! But if we could just take it a little slower this momma would really like that!

Bald Baby

Oh hey bald baby!

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That infamous mullet!

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Post hair cut- Realizing he looks like a baller!

The birth of instant anxiety…

I’ve always been a little bit of a worrier. I realized I wasn’t invincible before most kids my age, but it was after the birth of Owen that things really started to kick into high gear.

A new mom has a million things to worry over and stress about. I remember with Owen it was the constant worry of him getting enough milk. It was so important for me to breast feed but I never fully trusted my own body to provide for him. I remember so many of my new mom worries:

Is he getting enough to eat?

Is it dangerous to co-sleep?

Crib bumpers or not? (Who knew I wouldn’t need to worry about this because both of my babies hated the crib!)

Will he know I still love him when I return to work? (This one was/IS my biggest!)

I never realized how quickly the onset of a million different worries would fill my head. My pregnancy had been so easy and exciting that I never thought that his arrival or caring for a newborn would be anything other than dreamy. I wasn’t naïve- it was just something that I wanted for so long that I imagined every thought would be happiness and joy (even if exhausted), not necessarily doubts and fears.

Then I kind of hit my groove as a mom. It took a while but I felt confident in my decisions and cared less about what books or random people on Babycenter forums said.

Then when Hunter was born I was like “I’ve got this!” And I did! He nursed like a champ (and we’re still going!), we co-slept (in a very safe way) from day one so we never felt like sleep deprived zombies, and I was still able to care for Owen, who was 22 months. I do remember crying when he came home from the hospital though. We pushed to leave a day early so we could get home to Owen and as soon as we got there with a new baby and all our friends and family left, I felt overwhelmed. But it passed and we decided it would just take a little time figuring out our new normal.

Now Owen is almost 4 and Hunter will be 2 in two weeks (WHAAATT!) but a whole new set of fears have taken hold. When they were babies it was mainly “Oh my gosh- how will this baby survive? I don’t know what I’m doing!” Now it’s things like:

What if they get sick, like really sick?

What if I get sick, or Cory gets sick? Or what if something happens to us? Or what if something happens to them? (That one sends me over the edge yall!!)

Is it even safe to go out? To school? To church? To walk down the street? Should I tell them about violence? Should I shelter them as long as I can?

Am I selfish if I do anything I remotely enjoy?

Am I setting a good example? Of humble obedience to God? Of being compassionate? Of helping others? Of teaching them independence from me? (Another HUGEEE one I struggle with. Why would I ever want to encourage them not to need me? Insert mommy heart sad face here.)

I could write pages and pages about my fears- rational or otherwise- that now arise almost every day since having those two precious baby boys. Some days I wake up and I can stuff them down deep inside. This works for a couple weeks until I have to let it all out some way- crying, lashing out, shutting down. Some days I wake up and I don’t even know why I had those worries or fears and everything seems good! But then something can creep up- some thought that can literally make it hard to take the next breath. That feeling of dread that rattles your bones- that literally paralyzes you. Sometimes I can convince myself that these are normal mommy fears. And sometimes I’m willing to admit I have full blown anxiety. And some days I’m good at coping and some days I’m not. But everyday I’m working on realizing that I need to “Let Go and Let God”. I like to continuously tell myself whatever is meant to happen in my life is going to happen. He has already planned it for me…and planned it with a purpose. So I can spend my days worrying about what tomorrow brings OR I can spend them being so incredibly thankful and joyful for the moment I’m in right now!

It’s hard- I’m working on it….

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